Life is not winter.
I keep waiting; praying for spring, feeling as if one storm after another blows in. Awful event takes place. I trust in God and revel in His comfort and provision. Sun starts to break, I feel His goodness, share His love, feel good. Then new storm hits. I’ve learned that God uses me most from flat on my back: from the darkest spots of grief, unemployment, car accidents, dropping out of college to broken relationships, bad decisions, depression and more. From the grossest events and feelings He moves the biggest mountains, the cycle of sin drenched earth surrounds me and I look up and see Him saying “I’m still here. Even in this time, even on that day. Look for me. Listen to me. Wait on me.”
Living in obedience when people around you do so differently is a calling only He can support. While living in community is a blessing, I keep looking to those around me to satisfy things they never could be capable of. It’s taken a long while to realize that my friends’ approval and attention cannot tell me I’m doing the right thing in life, and I won’t always get it anyway.
It's not that there is anything wrong with them or with me, but that God has us on different journeys and created us differently is evident. Only God can supply the reassurance, motivation, courage, strength and support that I need. Also, His desperately needs to be the voice calling that I answer to.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Fall back into life...
In the spirit of seeking a more cheerful and grateful life, I am adopting a fall bucket list. These things excite me, and provide a sense of adventure and provide something to accomplish. I can't wait to get started!
Monday, September 12, 2011
Junk Mail
Today in my junk mail box I noted an email marked urgent! It said “Job offer (EMPLOYMENT)”.
I just continued on my way and clicked “empty” button, before going to real websites to continue on in the seemingly unending, fruitless-as-of-yet search for employment that has become my life. However, the enticement of that junk mail continued to haunt me. Oh for it to be that easy. I must confess I envy people for whom finding a job was not difficult, or those who get to continue their education and spend their days in school. While God is faithful and showing me so many new things and giving me time to hone skills I needed to spend more time on, and so many other things, I yearn to work with a nearly physical hunger. It’s overwhelming and all-consuming, and blocks the path of good perspective many days. Not getting my way, not knowing what to change (or how to change/better my circumstances) is wearying and depressing. And so I do the best I can. God is ever-moving, all-knowing, all-loving, never-changing and so so good, but this is definitely a more difficult season. Tonight I find myself praying for spring once more, and a chance to see His glory reign, not just for my pleasure alone, but so that He is what shines from me.
I just continued on my way and clicked “empty” button, before going to real websites to continue on in the seemingly unending, fruitless-as-of-yet search for employment that has become my life. However, the enticement of that junk mail continued to haunt me. Oh for it to be that easy. I must confess I envy people for whom finding a job was not difficult, or those who get to continue their education and spend their days in school. While God is faithful and showing me so many new things and giving me time to hone skills I needed to spend more time on, and so many other things, I yearn to work with a nearly physical hunger. It’s overwhelming and all-consuming, and blocks the path of good perspective many days. Not getting my way, not knowing what to change (or how to change/better my circumstances) is wearying and depressing. And so I do the best I can. God is ever-moving, all-knowing, all-loving, never-changing and so so good, but this is definitely a more difficult season. Tonight I find myself praying for spring once more, and a chance to see His glory reign, not just for my pleasure alone, but so that He is what shines from me.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Losing Andrew
*** This post is copied from my other Blog, but it's so significant to the journey I've been on these last two years that I wanted it to be here too. ***
Today has been the saddest day filled with the most grief I think I have ever experienced. And also the closest I've ever felt to God's own heart. My five year-old cousin (with whom I am very close) died very suddenly this morning. The pain I have felt all day is a tangible, soul wrenching, physical wave upon wave of emotion and feeling. There is no room for thought. To think now would be to steal something from the pure nature of this grieving for the absolutely most perfect picture of innocence and light I have ever seen in another human. There is no "God how could you do this" as there has been before. Nor is there numbness shoving all else away. No busy-ness could mask this; No words console it. All I can face right now is the solid chest of Christ to lean into and feel His arms wrap me up and hear Him say "I'm here". Along with feeling and allowing the emotional and physical responses God gives me, this is my prayer for myself and family:
"Eternal God, who sends consolation to all sorrowing hearts,
we turn to You for solace in this, our trying hour.
Though bowed in grief as our loved one departs from our midst to enter into peace of life eternal,
we reaffirm our faith in Your compassion and Your ever-present love.
May we bear our sorrow with trustful hearts,
and knowing You are near, may we not despair.
Into Your hands we commend the spirit of our beloved.
Body and soul are Yours, O God,
and in Your presence we cast off fear and are at peace.
'There is no death, what we call death
Is but surcease from strife;
They do not die who we call dead,
They go from life ... to Life.'"
Randall M. Falk
Rabbi Emeritus, The Temple
Today has been the saddest day filled with the most grief I think I have ever experienced. And also the closest I've ever felt to God's own heart. My five year-old cousin (with whom I am very close) died very suddenly this morning. The pain I have felt all day is a tangible, soul wrenching, physical wave upon wave of emotion and feeling. There is no room for thought. To think now would be to steal something from the pure nature of this grieving for the absolutely most perfect picture of innocence and light I have ever seen in another human. There is no "God how could you do this" as there has been before. Nor is there numbness shoving all else away. No busy-ness could mask this; No words console it. All I can face right now is the solid chest of Christ to lean into and feel His arms wrap me up and hear Him say "I'm here". Along with feeling and allowing the emotional and physical responses God gives me, this is my prayer for myself and family:
"Eternal God, who sends consolation to all sorrowing hearts,
we turn to You for solace in this, our trying hour.
Though bowed in grief as our loved one departs from our midst to enter into peace of life eternal,
we reaffirm our faith in Your compassion and Your ever-present love.
May we bear our sorrow with trustful hearts,
and knowing You are near, may we not despair.
Into Your hands we commend the spirit of our beloved.
Body and soul are Yours, O God,
and in Your presence we cast off fear and are at peace.
'There is no death, what we call death
Is but surcease from strife;
They do not die who we call dead,
They go from life ... to Life.'"
Randall M. Falk
Rabbi Emeritus, The Temple
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