Revival

So I was reading a book a while back and there was a particularly vivid chapter where this woman is going through a "wintry" period, if you will, in her life, and she becomes a gardener for a woman whose rose bushes are all dead and dying to the naked eye. As she prunes and cuts and mulches the roses day after day, she simultaneously experiences pain, grief, and "pruning" in her own life. It's kind of a cheesy chapter, and you can totally see where the author is going with the extended metaphor the entire time, but at the same time, something about it still resonates with me.

I feel like the last few months have been like this for me. I've been quite numb, dead looking on the inside to those that payed attention. Being at Corban was my summer blooming season. I grew and grew and blossomed and became this gorgeous, fragrant flower. Yes I still had my thorns, but the beauty of my life totally drew the attention away from them. Then this major change came in my life, and i started to wither; deaden. Now, recently i've realized that Christ has been silently pruning and cutting away parts of me to reveal something underneath. it's still not spring, I have no green in my branches, no moisture has seeped past the core to my limbs, but He's resurrecting the part of me that He nursed the last three years; the statue of faith that He sculpted. I can see His glory coming in my life in an even bigger way than i've yet experienced, and I have a feeling it's going to be through the lives of 4 of what i would have thought the unlikeliest of sources before. along with a few others i've yet to meet.

bring on the next year's buds.

Wii wars, picnics, and magic tricks...

Wow, so I finally realized that I am not the "write a blog every single day of my life" sort of person. I truly tried, but realized that it takes me at least 24 hours to process the previous days events fully and when I write a blog at the end of the day, I feel like I don't really let it all absorb. So, in an effort to allow myself to process life, and to write something worth reading, I'm turning the 40 day blogging experience into the 40 whatever blogging experience. there may be weeks I blog almost every day and then there may be weeks I don't, but I'm going to try to honor my readers' (not that there are many of you) time and write worthy of you all.

now that that's over, My weekend has been filled with the blessing of spending a ton of time with my church family that has watched me grow from a baby Christian to a Sunday Christian, to someone with a true heart for Christ who sincerely makes the effort to make an impact in my sphere of influence for His sake. Spending time with them at our church picnic and then today in church has been difficult. These are the people I laugh with, cry with, praise with, pray for and with, trust, love, and share life with. I have for the last five years (not so much the last 2 years, except summers, but still). and It's hard to know that in less than 3 weeks, I will be leaving them for a new church family. There are aspects of this that excite me and others that sadden me. I am excited to be a bigger, more permanent fixture and part of what Christ is doing at Salem Alliance, but at the same time, I cherish what my life with this family at Elma Alliance has been and how I have changed and grown under their watchful eyes. It's a bittersweet moment in my life, and it's been a huge blessing to be able to focus on that this weekend.

Another challenge/blessing I was presented with this week was the realization that I am not Trinity and Michael's "auntie-mom" anymore. I have spent a lot of time with them, and realized that my being away at school the last two years has led them to be more dependent on my mom as their parent than on mom AND me. It's a Huge loss that I was in denial about until now. It's been an adventure in good ways and sad ways to try and find what my new role is in their lives.

I can only pray that God continues to challenge and encourage me. It's quite a bittersweet life I'm leading as I stand on the threshold of this major move. I am so very grateful for my Elma and Salem families through it all, and for Jesus' ever-presence carrying me through the stormy parts and the still ones.

Optimistic

So the last few days have been difficult. I'm going to be real, there have been moments when I wanted to just get angry and vindictive and disregard others' feelings just to make myself feel better. It takes every ounce of restraint and a constant mantra of "Love and forgive them". Sometimes I feel like it's impossible to have a good attitude about things, or a positive outlook. It only takes reminding myself of James 4:17 "Anyone then who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it sins" to remember why I try to live in love and refrain from retaliating. It's difficult. So today my battle has been reconciling the pain of turning the other cheek with the Glory Christ receives from His lowly servant's obedience.

oh BOYs

Today was beyond amazing, just for the simple fact that I got to go back to work for the first time in 2 weeks! In just that short of a time I had forgotten the joy that the two boys I watch bring into my life, just by spending ten hours a day with them. Today was a reminder of that. As we were building a fort out of an old couch, rubber inner tubes, the back porch and the pool ladder, I just where I experienced pure delight at the opportunity to share the lives of these two little boys and get to know their characters. It occurred to me again that the time I am investing in them this summer serves as so much more than just a paycheck; that I am at least a small part of helping guide them into the men that they will become someday, and that they are a huge part of helping me develop skills that my own children (God willing) will benefit from in the future. All this from a backyard fort. I thank God for it tonight.

Ecstasy derived from plans gone awry

Sometimes the best fun comes from the worst events. This week, I either lost my wallet or it was stolen, I am still unsure, and so was forced to depend on my friends for anything requiring money, because mine was inaccessible in Oregon without ID. SO, I decided to keep looking for my wallet, but never did find it. Through the generosity of friends I was able to get home, but I had also left my car keys at an office that was closed when we were available to go retrieve it. Long story short I had to stay in Salem a day longer than planned and miss a day of work. I was very upset when this happened, thinking my life was ruined because I really wanted to go home. So I was shuffled around with a few of my friends. In this shuffling I wound up being blessed with the opportunity to build my relationship with two of my good friends and even meet a new one. I learned a lot about trusting God even in circumstances that seem to be horrible, that He is so very powerful that he turned my frustration and anger at being stuck into the bliss of fellowship and conversation.

A life full of laughter...

Today I had the opportunity to go to a wedding. The exciting aura that surrounds the sacred blessedness of two people joining lives just penetrates to the very soul. it's such a blessing to be reminded of God's great design for marriage in a world that has perverted the institution. God has blessed me this weekend with the company of friends, re-learning the value of laughter and by rewarding faithfulness. The last few months have been tough financially, but I've been trying to trust His plan and that everything would come together this fall. Today the fruits of that trust were rewarded in a semi-big way as details were gone over for moving next month. It was just a great day that reminded me of God's great love for us as humans and that he walks among us everyday, living our lives with us. :)

Undignified

So the song Undignified by Matt Redman has has been running in my head for the last two weeks. It just runs through my head at random moments. I get to hang out with some amazing friends this weekend and the combination of the song and the fellowship (aka craziness) is an amazing reminder that it's okay to become more undignified for the glory of God.

The glory of living real

So, since I shared entirely way too much personal stuff for my first day, I think day 2 will be something a little less journally and a little more something else. First of all, I have amazing friends who take care of me, each in their own capacity. But I got to thinking about it, and the more I'm away from school, the more time I spend with real people. Something about the college environment that's amazing while you're in it (don't get me wrong, it's awesome) just stresses me out. It definitely FEELS surreal. Life just has a temporary feel. But being around real people all in different stages of life is so refreshing and a great reminder of all our perfect imperfections. It's just oh so wonderful. What's your favorite part about "real" life? I just know I'm not the only one who's picked up on it, that's all. :) I love that we serve a God so creative to have thought up all the different possible life situations, and the relationships that go along with each of those circumstances. It just baffles me.

The next step...

So, I'm at that point in my life where there have been so many false starts, failures, and last minute changes that have all blended together to be one messed up, yet perfectly wonderful, transition into adulthood. Recently I got the chance to spend some time with my youth pastor and dear friend Michelle and her family. On my last evening at her house, she had Erik and Jeanne-Ann and Becca over for dinner. One of the conversations was about blogging and a challenge was made to blog for 40 days. This is one of those things that alone I would set out on with good intentions then 3 days in give up, but as I sat there, I knew I needed to do it. So let's start with what God's been up to and where I'm at.

First off, I've realized lately that I am blessed by a family that is there for me every step of my life, through every storm they are there to listen, attempt to guide, and go kick butts when I'm hurt or in danger. Growing up, though all I could focus on was the missing parts: the lack of money in any branch of the fam, the lack of hope that comes from knowing Christ, the spot where my daddy was supposed to go that had people in and out of it to fill parts, but that was never really whole. I'm still trying to deal with these parts, each day it's a challenge and each day I discover ways my thinking was wrong. I say all this so that there is an understanding of where I come from so that when I explain what God is revealing and the things I'm dealing with now it will all make some sort of sense.

I decided to call this blog the next step because I'm in a place in my life where that is the biggest question for me. I don't know the answer, but I can see about a million possibilities, and sorting through them all has been and continues to be quite an adventure. Through it all Christ keeps leading me one small step at a time, requiring faith and trust in His big picture that I can only see the frame of.

The biggest challenge right now is the financial one. I find between my self and returning to school to finish my degree stand several thousand dollars. This is a huge frustration. Coming from a background where nobody trusts God, but makes their own plans, I automatically start calling a backup plan to College in my brain. But then I have to stop and say, wait a minute, this is where God called me, and there was a reason. Discovering His full intentions is difficult because He could be trying to teach me so many things. Slowly, though, he is faithful and reveals the steps to me.

SO. hopefully when this blog-a-thon is over in 40 days I'll find myself in a new situation. Hopefully I'll be a lot better at this understanding God's will thing too.