Losing Andrew

*** This post is copied from my other Blog, but it's so significant to the journey I've been on these last two years that I wanted it to be here too. ***

Today has been the saddest day filled with the most grief I think I have ever experienced. And also the closest I've ever felt to God's own heart. My five year-old cousin (with whom I am very close) died very suddenly this morning. The pain I have felt all day is a tangible, soul wrenching, physical wave upon wave of emotion and feeling. There is no room for thought. To think now would be to steal something from the pure nature of this grieving for the absolutely most perfect picture of innocence and light I have ever seen in another human. There is no "God how could you do this" as there has been before. Nor is there numbness shoving all else away. No busy-ness could mask this; No words console it. All I can face right now is the solid chest of Christ to lean into and feel His arms wrap me up and hear Him say "I'm here". Along with feeling and allowing the emotional and physical responses God gives me, this is my prayer for myself and family:

"Eternal God, who sends consolation to all sorrowing hearts,
we turn to You for solace in this, our trying hour.
Though bowed in grief as our loved one departs from our midst to enter into peace of life eternal,
we reaffirm our faith in Your compassion and Your ever-present love.
May we bear our sorrow with trustful hearts,
and knowing You are near, may we not despair.
Into Your hands we commend the spirit of our beloved.
Body and soul are Yours, O God,
and in Your presence we cast off fear and are at peace.
'There is no death, what we call death
Is but surcease from strife;
They do not die who we call dead,
They go from life ... to Life.'"

Randall M. Falk
Rabbi Emeritus, The Temple

Revival

So I was reading a book a while back and there was a particularly vivid chapter where this woman is going through a "wintry" period, if you will, in her life, and she becomes a gardener for a woman whose rose bushes are all dead and dying to the naked eye. As she prunes and cuts and mulches the roses day after day, she simultaneously experiences pain, grief, and "pruning" in her own life. It's kind of a cheesy chapter, and you can totally see where the author is going with the extended metaphor the entire time, but at the same time, something about it still resonates with me.

I feel like the last few months have been like this for me. I've been quite numb, dead looking on the inside to those that payed attention. Being at Corban was my summer blooming season. I grew and grew and blossomed and became this gorgeous, fragrant flower. Yes I still had my thorns, but the beauty of my life totally drew the attention away from them. Then this major change came in my life, and i started to wither; deaden. Now, recently i've realized that Christ has been silently pruning and cutting away parts of me to reveal something underneath. it's still not spring, I have no green in my branches, no moisture has seeped past the core to my limbs, but He's resurrecting the part of me that He nursed the last three years; the statue of faith that He sculpted. I can see His glory coming in my life in an even bigger way than i've yet experienced, and I have a feeling it's going to be through the lives of 4 of what i would have thought the unlikeliest of sources before. along with a few others i've yet to meet.

bring on the next year's buds.

Wii wars, picnics, and magic tricks...

Wow, so I finally realized that I am not the "write a blog every single day of my life" sort of person. I truly tried, but realized that it takes me at least 24 hours to process the previous days events fully and when I write a blog at the end of the day, I feel like I don't really let it all absorb. So, in an effort to allow myself to process life, and to write something worth reading, I'm turning the 40 day blogging experience into the 40 whatever blogging experience. there may be weeks I blog almost every day and then there may be weeks I don't, but I'm going to try to honor my readers' (not that there are many of you) time and write worthy of you all.

now that that's over, My weekend has been filled with the blessing of spending a ton of time with my church family that has watched me grow from a baby Christian to a Sunday Christian, to someone with a true heart for Christ who sincerely makes the effort to make an impact in my sphere of influence for His sake. Spending time with them at our church picnic and then today in church has been difficult. These are the people I laugh with, cry with, praise with, pray for and with, trust, love, and share life with. I have for the last five years (not so much the last 2 years, except summers, but still). and It's hard to know that in less than 3 weeks, I will be leaving them for a new church family. There are aspects of this that excite me and others that sadden me. I am excited to be a bigger, more permanent fixture and part of what Christ is doing at Salem Alliance, but at the same time, I cherish what my life with this family at Elma Alliance has been and how I have changed and grown under their watchful eyes. It's a bittersweet moment in my life, and it's been a huge blessing to be able to focus on that this weekend.

Another challenge/blessing I was presented with this week was the realization that I am not Trinity and Michael's "auntie-mom" anymore. I have spent a lot of time with them, and realized that my being away at school the last two years has led them to be more dependent on my mom as their parent than on mom AND me. It's a Huge loss that I was in denial about until now. It's been an adventure in good ways and sad ways to try and find what my new role is in their lives.

I can only pray that God continues to challenge and encourage me. It's quite a bittersweet life I'm leading as I stand on the threshold of this major move. I am so very grateful for my Elma and Salem families through it all, and for Jesus' ever-presence carrying me through the stormy parts and the still ones.

Optimistic

So the last few days have been difficult. I'm going to be real, there have been moments when I wanted to just get angry and vindictive and disregard others' feelings just to make myself feel better. It takes every ounce of restraint and a constant mantra of "Love and forgive them". Sometimes I feel like it's impossible to have a good attitude about things, or a positive outlook. It only takes reminding myself of James 4:17 "Anyone then who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it sins" to remember why I try to live in love and refrain from retaliating. It's difficult. So today my battle has been reconciling the pain of turning the other cheek with the Glory Christ receives from His lowly servant's obedience.

oh BOYs

Today was beyond amazing, just for the simple fact that I got to go back to work for the first time in 2 weeks! In just that short of a time I had forgotten the joy that the two boys I watch bring into my life, just by spending ten hours a day with them. Today was a reminder of that. As we were building a fort out of an old couch, rubber inner tubes, the back porch and the pool ladder, I just where I experienced pure delight at the opportunity to share the lives of these two little boys and get to know their characters. It occurred to me again that the time I am investing in them this summer serves as so much more than just a paycheck; that I am at least a small part of helping guide them into the men that they will become someday, and that they are a huge part of helping me develop skills that my own children (God willing) will benefit from in the future. All this from a backyard fort. I thank God for it tonight.

Ecstasy derived from plans gone awry

Sometimes the best fun comes from the worst events. This week, I either lost my wallet or it was stolen, I am still unsure, and so was forced to depend on my friends for anything requiring money, because mine was inaccessible in Oregon without ID. SO, I decided to keep looking for my wallet, but never did find it. Through the generosity of friends I was able to get home, but I had also left my car keys at an office that was closed when we were available to go retrieve it. Long story short I had to stay in Salem a day longer than planned and miss a day of work. I was very upset when this happened, thinking my life was ruined because I really wanted to go home. So I was shuffled around with a few of my friends. In this shuffling I wound up being blessed with the opportunity to build my relationship with two of my good friends and even meet a new one. I learned a lot about trusting God even in circumstances that seem to be horrible, that He is so very powerful that he turned my frustration and anger at being stuck into the bliss of fellowship and conversation.

A life full of laughter...

Today I had the opportunity to go to a wedding. The exciting aura that surrounds the sacred blessedness of two people joining lives just penetrates to the very soul. it's such a blessing to be reminded of God's great design for marriage in a world that has perverted the institution. God has blessed me this weekend with the company of friends, re-learning the value of laughter and by rewarding faithfulness. The last few months have been tough financially, but I've been trying to trust His plan and that everything would come together this fall. Today the fruits of that trust were rewarded in a semi-big way as details were gone over for moving next month. It was just a great day that reminded me of God's great love for us as humans and that he walks among us everyday, living our lives with us. :)